I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
