there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
