so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
