Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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