I feel great
I just peed on a car
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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