don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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