Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
