glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
