I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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