i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
