i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Two words: nipple clamps
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