Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
