He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
