i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
