I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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