we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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