After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
