I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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