Jerry, you need to find god
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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