I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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