Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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