i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
