I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
