my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
is wine microwaveable?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
