I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
