my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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