i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
