She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
