so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
