Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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