if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
