capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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