Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
