i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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