I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
