i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
