I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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