I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
