I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I AM VODKA MAN
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
