Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
