Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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