My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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