Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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