Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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