Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
