So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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