I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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