I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
