Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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