I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
