i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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