You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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