I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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